Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
