so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
