is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
