3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Drunk is a universal language darling
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