I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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