DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
