Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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