Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
