Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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