Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
