I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This baby is an asshole
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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