You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
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She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
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I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
its liver damage thursday
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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