you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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