if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
im six kinds of drunk right now
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
