Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
