swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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