I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
