you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
