I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
