My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
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You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
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This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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