I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
