I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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