Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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