My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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