Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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