she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
