Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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