At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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