my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
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