One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I stole a fireplace last night.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
