I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
