your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
