Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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