What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
