Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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