oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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