he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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