"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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