i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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