I met the friendliest cop last night
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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