allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
