was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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