WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
