Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
