so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
