That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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