A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Me. At least after what I've been through.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
