He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
