Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
