I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
