Soap is not a condiment
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Randomize
