There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
