I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
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