I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
