I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
