i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
