I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
