I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
