so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
