so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
